I finally made that leap...

I’m just going to get right to it. I joined the military for many reasons. Two major ones, but still, many reasons. One of them was the need to satisfy all my parents. I say “all” because I was adopted by my grandmother on my mom’s side and her husband, so, my grandparents.

To make a long story short and give a little lore, depending on who’s telling it: according to my grandmother, my mom needed help, and that was the best option for her. But according to my mother, my grandparents just scooped me up to take care of me for the first few months so she could rest. My twin sisters were already six and a handful, and she was going to school for nursing while working as a CNA.

Months went by. When my mom was ready for me, she called to see when she could get me back. That’s when my grandparents told her they had already gotten a lawyer and drawn up adoption papers; all she and my biological father had to do was sign. That, understandably, pissed my mom off… until she got on the phone with my soon-to-be adoptive father. Somehow, he convinced her. And just like that, my last name changed—from Bristol, my biological father’s name, to McDowell.

So, needless to say, I had three major parents instead of one or two to make proud.

Me going into the military? That hit all three birds with one stone.
My adoptive father was in the military.... check.
My grandmother wanted me to have a government job with benefits.... check.
My mother wanted me in the medical field because she was a nurse, my MOS was a combat medic.... check.

My personal reasons? To travel, first and foremost. Then money for school through the G.I. Bill. And honestly, getting the hell away from Texas and gaining freedom from my very restrictive, highly religious parents.

Needless to say, all their needs and wants were met… but most of mine weren’t.

I didn’t travel. I went to Missouri for basic training, then right back to Texas for MOS training at Fort Sam Houston in San Antonio, and then got stationed at Fort Hood, Texas. The only real benefit I got was money for school—and eventually my disability and compensation for suffering from sexual trauma and PTSD during my time in the military.

My time in the military was not a pleasant one. One out of ten. Do not recommend... especially for women.

So my longing for travel got tucked away for a long time. But deep down, I always felt like it was meant for me. I thought maybe I’d find another job that would give me the opportunity.

When I became a nail tech and esthetician, I saw that possibility rise again. Eventually, I landed a job at a very high-end nail salon, and I excelled in my skills to the point where I was promoted to be one of the trainers. The role involved traveling to different locations to teach other nail artists the company’s products and protocols. The company was also a franchise, bringing in investors who wanted to open salons in their own cities.

Once again, though, needless to say, that fell through.

It wasn’t until my daughter just straight up told me that I don’t need a job or a lot of money to travel. That I can travel whenever I want, however I want.

I don’t know what conditioning or propaganda I was listening to that made me feel like I needed a “good reason” to travel the world. I see now that all of that was a false reality sent from the depths of hell by legends of demons… okay, my bad, I’m playing... I just wanted to be dramatic.

Anyway, I decided to take a leap of faith.

Well… I haven’t fully taken the leap yet, but I did take a leap and bought a one-way ticket somewhere. Not exactly where I said I wanted to go, but enough to get my feet wet, to get the ball rolling. I’m choosing a place that feels like a soft landing instead of a full plunge into the depths of the unknown.

I have a plan… but I’m also winging it.

I plan on being this nomad for at least a month. Maybe I’ll extend it, maybe I won’t. All I know is I can no longer stay here.

I was foreshadowed and led here. I’ve been in this desolate desert for ten years. I’ve deep-dived into healing myself and getting to know who I truly am. But now it’s time to expand. Staying in Hermit mode is no longer serving me.

I need to be free. I need to stretch my wings.

There’s nothing here for me in terms of meaningful connections and experiences. So much has been stripped away that I have no other choice but to start over, and that starting over isn’t in the four corners of this house, this neighborhood, this city, this state… and especially not this country.

I am out.

I don’t know what’s out there. But something is out there, waiting for me to find it… or for it to find me.