The Roaming Rose 🌹

I made it to my first destination. But to be completely transparent and vulnerable right now... I cannot stop crying. Well, I had been crying long before I got here, but this is a different kind of grief. I have very bad anxiety right now. I am in a foreign country by myself for the first time in my life, and that is a lot for anyone’s nervous system. I have not had anxiety like this in a very long time. My anxiety tends to show up as the feeling that someone is bullying me because when I first developed anxiety, that was the environment I was living in. Someone was staying with me who had an extremely bad temper and could be very physically abusive at times. It was not a partner, it was a friend who needed help, and I helped her because when I was once in need, she helped me too. But somehow, despite that, she became verbally and physically abusive, and she also almost SA’d me. Every morning I would wake up with this horrible feeling in my gut, anticipating whether she was going to wa...

  4:56 am It is the day before I am supposed to leave on my true, real-life journey into the unknown. I am going somewhere I have never been before. You would think I would be excited, but all I want to do is cry. I am crying because I am grieving so many parts of myself that have stayed with me for such a long time. I am stepping away from so many things, so many titles I placed upon myself, and also the ones others placed upon me. To name a few: daughter, sister, friend, potential lover. But the biggest role of all... mother and caregiver. Most of these identities were simply given to me, and some I willingly participated in. But now, all of it is being stripped down to the bare bones. Who am I? At the core, I know who I am. On a microcosmic level, I Am that I Am. But that is not how this game is rigged, right? The avatar has to play its role. The avatar has been playing the role it was given since birth. So many of the roles I have played were written by others. Now it is finall...

  I keep getting messages about how I need to be seen more, be louder, be more intrusive. Messages saying I’m meant to be famous. But being famous has never truly been a goal of mine. As a matter of fact, ever since I was a kid, I told myself I would never meet a celebrity. Which is ironic now that I think about it. Maybe that mindset came from conditioning. Fame feels rare, distant, unreachable, so why would I ever make it a goal? But after experiencing the things I have experienced energetically and spiritually... I wouldn’t want that life anyway. It took me a long time to stop seeking validation outside of myself. And to me, fame and celebrity culture rely heavily on external validation. Not necessarily at the fault of the celebrity, either. That’s just the nature of the beast. That descent into the underworld would have to be extremely deep to escape that type of conditioning. And this journey is already hard enough without adding another layer on top of it. I’m good on that. M...

    The Countdown Begins... May 1st Today is May 1st, and I have fewer than twenty-something days to get ready for my first-ever trip out of the country. If you’ve read my last post, then you already know why this is such a big milestone for me. I am doing something I have never done, going somewhere I have never been. This leap of faith took a lot to even arrive at, because for a long time, I didn’t believe it was possible for me. And on top of that… I’m doing it solo. No waiting. No coordinating. No “maybe when someone else is ready.” Just me, myself, and I. But I don’t think I’ve been giving myself enough credit for what I’m actually doing. I’ve started gradually telling people about my plans, and the reaction I keep getting is the same: “You’re so brave.” And every time I hear it, I pause a little. Because are they right? Maybe. A lot of people carry dreams they don’t even dare to touch, let alone pursue. It does take a certain kind of courage to go after what you want, n...