The Final Countdown

 

Ready for a trip


4:56 am

It is the day before I am supposed to leave on my true, real-life journey into the unknown. I am going somewhere I have never been before. You would think I would be excited, but all I want to do is cry.

I am crying because I am grieving so many parts of myself that have stayed with me for such a long time. I am stepping away from so many things, so many titles I placed upon myself, and also the ones others placed upon me. To name a few: daughter, sister, friend, potential lover. But the biggest role of all... mother and caregiver.

Most of these identities were simply given to me, and some I willingly participated in. But now, all of it is being stripped down to the bare bones.

Who am I?

At the core, I know who I am. On a microcosmic level, I Am that I Am. But that is not how this game is rigged, right? The avatar has to play its role. The avatar has been playing the role it was given since birth. So many of the roles I have played were written by others.

Now it is finally time to play the role I want to play.

That is scary. That is terrifying. But it is also freedom.

The freedom to become who I want to be, and the space and courage to go out and discover it. And maybe it is not even about finding a new identity to attach myself to. Maybe it is simply about... being.

No title to strive toward. No goal to conquer or accomplish. Just existing. Just being.

I have been conditioned to produce, produce, produce. But maybe what I truly want is to simply exist.

Maybe that is what this journey really is.

Maybe I am finally giving myself permission to just... be.

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