A Time Was Had... Lol

 

This trip has been a truly transformative experience so far.

It started off a little rough. You can probably see that if you've read my last two posts. Then things got better, then they got rough again. But as I come to the end of the first leg of this journey, I can honestly say: a time was had.

Overall, I think I've learned a few things about myself. And if I'm being honest, I think that was the entire point of doing this. I wanted to rediscover, or maybe even discover for the first time, who I am outside of all the roles I play. I wanted to see what kind of courage it takes to step into the unknown and meet yourself there.

I went to Taboga Island, and the experience was bittersweet.

The island itself was beautiful, but I felt lonely. Everywhere I looked, there were groups of people together, laughing, exploring, and making memories. I was one of the few people there by myself. I did notice another solo traveler, but before long he had made friends with a couple and joined their adventure.

I FaceTimed my daughter and showed her the island. She picked out a beautiful seashell and starfish necklace, which I happily bought for her. That moment made me smile, but underneath it all I was still sad. I was standing in one of the most beautiful places I'd ever seen, yet I felt alone.

Then Hecate showed up again.

Or maybe a better way to say it is that the lessons she represents showed up again.

Just like before, I tried to reject it. I didn't want to go there. I didn't want to descend into another underworld of self-reflection. Yet somehow, I still found myself back in my room for three straight days, alone with emotions I didn't want to face.

This time it wasn't sadness.

It was anger.

I didn't want to be in that space again. I've been doing shadow work consistently for five damn years. I didn't want to be traveling through a beautiful country only to discover there was still healing work left to do.

I get why people avoid this work.

This shit isn't easy.

It's exhausting.

While everyone else seemed to be enjoying life, I felt like I was dragging myself through the mud of old emotions all over again. I found myself thinking, "Really? Here too?"

But at the same time, I understood why it was happening.

There was something I still needed to see.

Thankfully, the story doesn't end there.

Yesterday was easily the highlight of my entire trip.

I visited a waterfall deep in the jungle and spent the day with the Emberá people.

My guide, Alex, picked me up that morning and, as you'll soon discover, practically ended up saving my life.

We traveled about forty minutes outside the city before climbing into a motorized dugout canoe. The ride alone was worth the trip. Mother Gaia is unbelievably beautiful. Towering trees surrounded us on every side. The water reflected the green canopy above. Birds called from somewhere in the distance, monkeys announced their presence from the treetops, and for a moment it felt like I had stepped into a nature documentary.

Eventually, we reached a point where we had to hike through the jungle to get to the waterfall.

Now, I am a nature girl at heart. The military taught me how to rough it, so mud, water, and uneven terrain don't scare me.

At least that's what I thought.

We trekked through mud, crossed streams, climbed over rocks, and eventually arrived at the waterfall.

And that's when I remembered an important detail.

Your girl can't swim.

Don't judge me.

Despite this tiny little fact, I was determined to get under that waterfall.

What I also forgot was that I still had my earbuds in.

Alex saw me climbing across these jagged rocks toward the water and yelled, "You're getting in?"

"Yes," I yelled back. "But I can't swim!"

His response?

"I got you."

Famous last words.

I reached the edge of the rock and he yelled, "Jump!"

Excuse me?

I thought there was going to be some kind of bottom. Some place for my feet to land.

There was not.

There was only water.

A whole lot of water.

The next thing I knew, I was underwater, my earbuds were gone forever, and I was briefly questioning every life choice that had brought me to that exact moment.

For context, my earbuds are incredibly light, so I often forget I'm wearing them. At this point, I've decided they were simply a natural offering to the water spirits. I'm not even mad about it.

After what felt like a dramatically long rescue operation, Alex pulled me back up. Then he tried to help me climb onto a slippery rock.

That wasn't happening.

Thankfully, another guide rushed over and pointed me toward an easier route.

Victory was eventually achieved.

I made it beneath the waterfall and got some amazing photos while water cascaded all around me. The journey back wasn't nearly as dramatic, but it still took Alex and one of the Emberá guides helping me navigate those rocks. They patiently guided me and kept me steady until I made it safely back.

After changing clothes, we returned to the canoe and headed to the Emberá village.

There, we learned about their history, traditions, and the history of many of the Indigenous peoples throughout this region.

They served us fried tilapia, plantains, and a fried bread that looked a little like a funnel cake, except it was savory rather than sweet.

Now, I've never been much of a plantain fan.

But apparently Panama is changing me because I ate every single one in my banana-leaf plate.

Then came the fruit.

There were several different kinds, but the one that stole my heart was a fruit called mamón.

The entire time I kept thinking, "Why does that name sound familiar? Isn't that a demon?" lol 

Then it hit me.

It reminded me of Mammon, the devil prince from the movie Constantine. 

Thankfully, this fruit is much sweeter than its namesake.

It looks a bit like an olive on the outside, but inside there's a sweet, jelly-like flesh wrapped around a large pit.

And let me tell you...

It is delicious.

I am now actively searching for mamón at every fruit stand and market I pass.

At this point, I am convinced I could survive on fresh fruit and fish alone. The Emberá people certainly make a compelling argument for it.

They were some of the kindest and most welcoming people I've met during this trip.

The day ended with traditional dancing. First, they performed for us, and then they invited us to join them.

Of course, I joined.

And I loved every minute of it.

This trip has had plenty of highs and lows. Looking back, I probably should have expected that, especially traveling alone.

But I'm proud of myself.

Months ago, I said I was going to do this.

I wrote it down.

I talked about it.

I put it in a blog post.

And now here I am, actually living it.

That realization means more to me than I can explain.

As we used to say in the military, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

But respectfully, I think I've proven that lesson enough times already.

I'm tired of being the Divine's strongest soldier.

From here on out, I'd just like to live.